Why Friendship Matters

After many years of sitting across from people in therapy, one thing has become unmistakably clear to me: most of us need more support than we’re comfortable admitting.

We need practical help, companionship, encouragement, kindness, and friendship. We need people who listen without rushing to fix us, who remember our stories, who celebrate our joys and notice when we’re struggling. We need people who challenge us, inspire us, and help us become more fully ourselves.

Many of us don’t like to think we need this much from other people. We value independence and self-sufficiency, yet human beings are wired for connection.

We need people to share both our outer lives and our inner lives.

Our outer lives are made up of ordinary moments—sharing meals, going for walks or hikes, playing sports, volunteering, carpooling, working on projects together, or simply spending time in one another’s company. These everyday experiences create the fabric of friendship.

Our inner lives require something different. We need people who care about what we’re going through, who take the time to understand our unique temperament, who accept our imperfections, and who stay present with us through both celebrations and disappointments.

I began gathering these materials because I repeatedly saw clients struggle to understand the value of friendship. Some expected a spouse to meet nearly every emotional need, overlooking the important role friends can play. Others had experienced divorce, the death of loved ones, retirement, moves, or job changes that left them without the relationships they had once depended upon. Still others carried childhood wounds around attachment and connection that made trusting people feel risky.

As a result, people often arrive in therapy feeling uncomfortable—even embarrassed—by how deeply they long for connection. They say things like:

• “You’re just my paid friend.”
• “You’re only nice to me because I’m paying you.”
• “You have to say those things because it’s your job.”

They are right about one thing: we are not friends.

What we do have is a caring, authentic therapeutic relationship. Within that relationship, people can experience being listened to, respected, understood, and accepted. They can learn about themselves and begin practicing the skills that make healthy relationships possible. My hope is that these experiences become a bridge to building meaningful connections beyond the therapy office.

Over the years, I have collected these handouts because they illustrate the many forms friendship can take. Some friends become lifelong companions. Others come into our lives for a particular season, shared interest, workplace, neighborhood, or stage of life. Every friendship doesn’t have to meet every need.

I’ve never quite understood the old saying, “Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold.” Perhaps it simply means that friendships change over the course of our lives. Some endure for decades, while others are precious because they belonged to a particular chapter. Both have value.

What I do know is this: everyone needs friends.

No single person—not a spouse, partner, sibling, parent, or therapist—can meet all of our emotional needs. Friendship nourishes parts of us that no other relationship can.

Not everyone will be open to becoming your friend, and that isn’t a reflection of your worth. Many people already have full lives and limited time. But after listening to countless stories of loneliness and isolation over the years, I have also learned something hopeful: there are always people looking for connection. Somewhere, someone else is wondering exactly what you may be wondering—“How do I find my people?”

So I wish you well as you seek the kinds of human connections your heart needs. I hope you remain curious, open, and willing to take small risks. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that there are kind, interesting people who are hoping someone reaches out to them, too.

Please click here to view some valuable resources when it comes to friendship: THE LIBRARY